Search for meaning of life

It never was that difficult, getting up early in the morning to face another day of life. In fact mornings used to be full of energy and excitement. There were always things planned for the day and the time never was enough to do them all.

Things have changed now and that too drastically. I could have lived with the idea of losing the enthusiasm; probably I could argue that it dampens with the age a bit. But there is more to this moroseness which has encircled my life. I do not wish to get up in the mornings now. And to put it in even worse pitch, I do not wish for the nights to get over. There is something fundamentally corrupt in my wishes here. Metaphorically the days and night are representatives of life and death respectively. So what am I saying here?

There could be several explanations and excuses that could be put forward. But since I am talking to myself I would skip the denial part and get to the real story. The only reason I could cite for my play on words here is that I don’t do anything worthwhile. The absolute lack of purpose has my senses feeling estranged from my soul. And the lack of connection has turned me into a machine which methodically gets up every morning and goes to a 9 to 9 shift for a monthly pay. There is no application of brain because the systems are in play; all I am required to do is execute. I wished to use intelligence, but I am embarrassed to say that I am not even being allowed to exercise common sense. Interestingly the cribbing brain of the machine still works and works overtime at that. So I live through my days worrying about the next salary hike, promotion and the menial routine work, when I actually don’t give a damn to any of it. It is just a showoff at the end of the day because my heart is not in it. So what is it that I am after?

It is a million dollar question, something which every individual faces and how dearly wishes to find an answer to. I also had invested myself in the pursuit to the meaning of life. It took me years to develop understanding of the world around me. I thought that would give me a sense of direction. But then I realized it all didn’t matter. All I had to do was to understand my thoughts, my desires and my strengths to make a sense of my existence. And so I did. It cleared the clouds of confusion and presented a picture of happiness so profound, I couldn’t dare to imagine. There wasn’t any impression of materialism attached to that moment of bliss, just the sheer delight. I was ecstatic because I knew who I was and what I was after. It was a quest for satisfaction which comes from self-actualisation. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Well it is not. After moments of divine intervention strikes moments of stark reality. If it was not enough to push my mind to the limits to extract my deepest desires, now I find myself struggling to come to terms with the naked truth. I am unable to comprehend the dilemma. Far in the distance I can see the happiness calling out my name, ready to cheer me up on every step and wishing me all the luck. There is excitement in the air coupled with passion. I can’t ask for a better atmosphere to embark on a thrilling endeavor. But as I get ready to move, my eyes drift towards my rickety legs. I wonder what it is that could be holding them back.

A sense of realism perhaps! It is at this juncture that mind retracts. Even though I imagine myself to be a free soul, there is an inevitable cage which surrounds me. I am a social animal, surrounded by friends and family. All my decisions not only affect me, but their lives. So I can’t be self-centered and just run after my dreams without giving a heed to their voices of concern. They are the people who care for me and they are the ones I wish to share my happiness with. It is a paradox, isn’t it?

A yes and a no! It would never be possible to establish the facts for the above predicament because there aren’t going to be any. Of course emotions play a big role in our lives and crucial decisions are bound to hurt people. Theoretically I could say that it shouldn’t be a justification for indecisiveness. Even if a few loved ones get hurt by rational decision, one would expect them to take some time but come around eventually. And it is only the happy me which can keep others happy. Sounds perfect! But what if things do not work out the way I expect them to. There is a very real scare of losing everything I have loved and cherished for years. The scare is of losing what I have to what I am only aspiring to achieve. Is it worth it?

I am still struggling to disentangle the deluge of issues. It is a tough task and sometimes I wonder had it been easier to live life not knowing what I wanted so badly.

Yesterday I had a dream

Yesterday I had a dream. It was just about time for the sun to take a plunge in the ocean. The golden color of the sky was riveting. The end where it seemed the sun and the water meet left an amazing image in my mind. It was the rendezvous of the light and the darkness. In a distance I could see the waves hitting the rocks. The sweet voice of the strike was filled with harmony. The air was as fresh to revive anybody’s senses. It was refreshing and peaceful. I could have spent a lifetime in the serenity of this astounding experience, but then I kept looking beyond it.

Before I could settle into the beauty of it all, the whole scene changed. Now I was on the top of a mountain looking down at the plush green valley. The spread of greenery all around me brought a sense of peace never experienced before. It felt as if the nature had come alive. The breeze took away all my thoughts and filled me with a desire to sit back and soak in every ounce of the quiet and the sanctity. Only, I wasn’t ready for it yet.

As I was struggling to come to terms with my strange behavior I was again moved to a new scene. This time it was the valley of flowers. I stood there agape as the beauty of the scene struck thousand chords in my heart. The mix of red, yellow, white and blue presented an invigorating imagery. It was full of life, of love and of joy. It was heavenly. But, I was once again just browsing through its immaculate splendor. By now I was sure that there was more to come.

I closed my eyes knowing fully well it was all going to change. And so it did. This time I found myself staring at the night sky. The thousands of bright stars made a purposeful gathering around the full moon. It felt as if an entire family had come together for the weekend dinner. The gentle wind in the middle of the night brought with it a welcome chill. There was silence so enthralling that I forgot what it was like to hear voices. The serenity of the surroundings was pleasing.

However I still couldn’t see myself in it. There was something that was amiss. In a matter of seconds I had the opportunity to experience bliss. But all this while my eyes, my brain and my heart never came together. It was all right there and yet it somehow wasn’t. I closed my eyes hoping this time I will get the answer to my prayers.

Do you know what happened next? I found myself in the middle of nowhere. It was the strangest of places with nothing worth describing. I couldn’t understand the logic of it all. From the mysterious exquisiteness of nature to this barren land, the journey didn’t make much sense. But then I saw you. The moment my eyes landed on you, the whole world ceased to exist, my thoughts lined up in one frame and my heart started beating only for you. Suddenly it all made sense. You were what I was looking for all through. It was your absence that was more apparent then anything I saw or experienced in the images before. If it was beauty I expected it to be yours, if it was refreshing air I wanted it to be filled with your scent and if it was serenity I believed it was possible only in your company. It is in your presence that I found my existence, my soul. That barren land most certainly had the unparalleled aura. And you my dear were all of it.

Empty Eyes

I thought I had seen it all before and that there was nothing new which could put me in a state of tizzy. But then I was underestimating the might of the unknown. There, staring at me, were those two eyes piercing my soul searching for an appropriate response. It hit me hard and made an impact. What struck me most was the sheer emptiness with which the glare was thrown my way? I could have spent days looking into those eyes and yet I wouldn’t have been able to go past the uncertainty encompassing the deep circles. There was a story to be told and even though I lacked the strength required to face the dilemma ahead I couldn’t have just walked away. I made myself believe it was so horrible that even the thought was enough to scare the wits out of me and what scared me more was the premonition that I wasn’t going to be proved wrong.

I approached her and sat across her. She didn’t move only her eyes did, keeping intact the focus as if letting me know she was watching and that she didn’t trust. It sure was one of the roughest moments of my life as I stood next to her and yet felt as if she was miles away from me. I withdrew the eye contact hoping it would ease the tension a little. But the mind didn’t stop visualizing her gaze and it was killing me. I was scared to speak first fearing it might rush the inevitable landslide. We sat next to each other for a while as if drawing comfort from each other’s presence and yet wary of the other at the same time. Quite a situation one would say but then such was the gravity of the moment.

I had known her for a while. While going to work everyday I used to watch her play with her friends. She was only 12. Her parents couldn’t afford her education and so there she used to be everyday in the playground. She was a lively kid with a special dose of energy and enthusiasm. Her eyes reflected her innocence and her cheerful nature. I remember having sat down with the group every once in a while to have a little chit-chat and she used to be the vociferous one.

Today was entirely different though. My lively girl was reduced to an effigy. Her eyes were as quiet and dull as the words literally themselves are. I took her hand in my hand but she quivered. Her petrified look sent my pulse racing and I withdrew in an instant. After an awkward silence of a few minutes I gathered my strength. I knew eventually I would have to break the silence. So I did.

Tears rolled down her eyes as I waited for her to say something. It appeared that even though she was trying hard, the rush of tears and the loss of words was having its toll on her. It was time to wait patiently. After a while she turned to me, only this time there was a visible shift in the expression in her eyes from a mechanical gaze to an intense look. With a heavy heart and a painful voice she began to relive the gory moments of the day. By the time she was through I had died several excruciating deaths. At the end of it all I was numb, unable to react to what as far as I was concerned a preposterous idea. Even bang in the middle of the worst phase for morality in this world, I had never ever imagined that some demon would dare enough to rape a 12 year old child. The mere thought of it was unacceptable leave alone the possibility of it happening. But there I was still gripped by the pain in those small beautiful eyes of an innocent girl.

She deserved to know where she went wrong. Life may not have had been fair to her, but she was still trying to make the most out of it. To put her through such inhuman act of brutality was a shame not only to the society but to the almighty who claims to be keeping a close watch on his disciples. How come those eyes didn’t burn, how come those hands didn’t mash, how come those legs didn’t melt and how come that brain didn’t explode before even giving berth to a disgraceful thought as it was.

I made a valiant attempt to measure the depth of the pain in those eyes, but I was to be lost in them forever. I didn’t move from my place to ensure she had the comfort of my presence, but more importantly I couldn’t have moved because I was too scared to walk out in this lonely, unfriendly world.

One Liner_5

Who would want to respect those who ask for it just because they happen to be at the right place, for they aren’t the right people?

One Liner_4

Life is an inordinate mix of irrationality and intellect.

Life as it is!!!

I live a dilly-dallying life. In the moments of sanity and unqualified rationality, I do everything as it should be done. It gives me pride to be disciplined and watchful of the societal requirements. But then there are those infrequent instances of illogicality, when I don’t look at others but myself. It is those rare moments when I laugh out loud in the public places on hearing a good joke, when I say the most stupid things in company of friends and family and then laugh unstoppably or when I act like a child over something inconsequential. The thing with those moments is that I am being myself and not a formatted replica. It feels absolutely brilliant. But then those moments are uncommon. Wonder if it’s worth living a life estranged from my soul.

Beautiful day

It is one of those glorious days. Little drops of rain have soaked the land and the smell is just intoxicating. The chill that has followed is sending shivers down the spine, but I love it. It is this blissful weather which puts me in a state of tranquility. I look up at the sky and I see a white sheet waiting for an artist to draw his imagination. So allow me to take your leave as I put my creative self to work.

One Liner_3

Either I am with you or I am thinking about you. What else is worth doing in this world?

One Liner_2

Individually people are helpless, but collectively they are stupid.

One Liner_1

With every cry of help that touches my heart and goes unanswered, my heart skips a beat. I think I am loosing a bit too many every single day.

Dhoondti thi nazar

Dhoondti thi nazar kahin door
par tum to hardum yehin the,
shayad tum the isiliye tum nahi the.

Bas judaai ka ek ehsaas hi bahut tha
ye jaanne ke liye,
ke tumse hi hum hum the
warna hum to kuch bhi nahi the.

God & I

It was
When I lost my ship of faith to the ocean of false religion
When I lost my source of light to the darkness of evil
When I lost my truth to the expanse of hypocrisy
When I lost my happiness to truckloads of sadism
When I lost my petty self-esteem to the towering inconsequence
That I realized I had become irrelevant
Because I had become one of them

It was then that I looked up at the sky and called upon the almighty
“You sent me here for a reason, I know you did
But I failed you my lord, oh how I am a disgrace to your name
When you wanted me to be your savior, I have brought nothing but shame
What purpose do I serve being on this indifferent land?
Oh Lord! Take me away. Let me be buried in the sand
Where once again I can feel the warmth of your hand”

The Lord looked at me with love & grace
“If I let you quit now, I will do injustice to you
you have the strength and the honor to be true
Only, don’t think of me as your savior
For this is where your impatience grew
Believe in me, let me be you
And I promise I will see you through”

Will ever there be times like those again

Soaked in the showers of loneliness
Beaten by the grandiosity of pain
I often wonder if the end is near for me
For I have lost the will to live
I have lost the desire to fight my battles
As in my heart the memory of her death still rattles

She was not a fairy
No, she was not divine
But if ever there was an angel it had to be her
Or else my sun would have lost its shine

Memories and memories and more of it
For me the present has ceased to exist
As I live in those glorious moments
That defined my being, enriched my soul
And turned me into a complete whole

Will ever there be times like those again
Will ever the milieu seem so serene in the rain
Will ever the time be able to ameliorate the agony of pain
Will ever…
Will ever…

Prince

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement when I heard my parent’s description of their weekend. An 8 year old boy had fallen in a hole of 16 inch radius in Kurukshtera city. Fortunately and miraculously the boy was not only alive, he hadn’t suffered any injuries as well. This gave an opportunity to people to save him. However it was an almost impossible task considering the width of the hole and its 60ft depth. Any minor mistake could have led to the boy being buried under the sand there itself. The gravity of the situation called for military intervention and so it came. By this time Zee TV happened to get the information and they reached the spot. From thereon it was live telecast of mission Prince. No prizes for guessing what my parents did that weekend.

It was good to know that the military personnel had put in tremendous efforts to save the boy. Their quick thinking and skillful application was a welcome sign for anybody who was watching. They did an awesome job. Bravo!

But what did the media do? It was yet another instance of a news channel becoming an entertainment forum. For two days straight the media personnel could have been heard saying, ‘brought to you by Zee TV’, ‘Zee TV was the first to reach the spot’ and all such stupid and repetitive crap while telecasting the incident live, followed by usual ‘sms your comments/thoughts to xyz number’. What purpose did it serve?

What were even worse were the most stupid comments/thoughts sent in by people through sms’s. ‘Indians can brave anything’, ‘terrorists beware’, ‘Indians are united’ etc. What a load of crap. How is this incident remotely related to any of the things said above? I for one can’t make any sense of cautioning terrorists through this one off incident, which by the way had nothing to do with terrorism. I believe it is the news channels which are leading the people to such childish behavior. It is not odd these days to hear news correspondents talk absolute rubbish in almost every possible situation. For example, sitting on the dead body of a person they have the presence of mind to ask the relatives, ‘How are you feeling?’

And yeah, in the middle of all this, the kid Prince was made a national hero for reasons only God could dare to understand. Suddenly he was being treated like an actual prince. It made me think if I missed something in the plot. I ruminated in order to recollect if the boy did something which earned him so much love and respect of people around India. But to my utter surprise I drew a blank. Then I started questioning myself. Wasn’t it the military personnel who thought out the entire series of activities to save the kid? Wasn’t it the military personnel who had put in all their efforts to save the kid? Wasn’t it the workers who drained themselves out in order to dig the nearby well to save the kid? Wasn’t it the spirit of bystanders who kept cheering and provided all possible kind of support to save the kid? If it was all of the above, then probably they should have been the stars of the show, they should have been applauded by the media, they should have been honored by the people through their sms’s. But sadly it was not to be. The media has the power to make or break heroes. They chose to go with the kid who probably was a better bet in terms of revenue generation.

Having had these thought killing my mind, I got an even bigger shock in the last few days. The government paid Rs 2 Lakh to the kid’s family with money coming in from other sources as well. Why? I have no answer, I never had any? May be the government had its coffers overflowing. Wonder why they haven’t awarded him the Paramvir Chakra yet. It sure makes sense under the given circumstances. I know media media would love it. Also the village in which the incident happened had been the cynosure of the government’s development program. The roads have already been built; electricity availability has improved drastically with other proposals pouring in.

Are you still wondering what the hell is going on. If yes, then you would actually enjoy the last piece, the diamond of the ring. Today I saw a newsflash on the bottom of one of the news channel’s screen. It said ‘Breaking News’. It caught my attention and so I stopped channel surfing. The next thing I saw had me laughing till I almost choked myself. Wanna know what it was? Well the breaking news was an alarm about Prince’s health, who had a soar throat, a possible infection. Then there was an elaborate discussion with the doctors as well, who then told that there is nothing to be worried about and he will be alright in a day or two. I only remember looking up to God and asking, ‘What the hell’. What is so wrong with being rational and doing things logically? Why can’t media act responsibly? Honestly they don’t deserve the freedom that they so adamantly call for. There are a few shit-heads in the media who have lost the concept of rationality and probably lost their ethics too. This kinda work could only be carried out by people who don’t care about the quality of work but the revenue generated through it. Can we question their acts? We sure can because they have a moral responsibility towards the society. And by these cheap means they are loosing the relevancy of their work resulting into lack of respect. May be someday they will realize what is the difference between Ekta Kapoor’s Saas-Bahu dramas and a news channel. May be someday…

The Acid Rain

As the poor farmer stood on his land dry
He looked up one more time at the sky
With hope and desperation in his eye
His hands folded in the mode of prayer
It was time for God to show some care
For his children would die of hunger
If it doesn’t rain this year
And he can’t let that happen
For they were to him so dear
He wishes only if he could cry
To soak the land that is dry

His prayers reached the ears of the lord
And he once again listened with despair
He so wanted to help
But he just couldn’t afford to be there
All his disciple wants is the droplets of rain
Such petty wish has caused the almighty so much pain
For the rain which rekindled the lifeless base
The rain which brought smiles on every face
Has become a matter of great distress
Not that the water wasn’t there
The distance too much to traverse

The milieu was filled with venom
It was the acts unethical
It was the plans immoral
It was the words abusive
It was the hearts illusive
It was the jealous feelings
It was hypocritical meanings
It was the disrespect for human values
That had grown into a thick fog
And enveloped the expanse of air

Ah! God thought to himself
I had always feared the day
When the rain would bring demise
Of the precious souls who didn’t give into any vice
Only if I had not been an optimist
Hoping that the thick cloud was only a mist
I could have saved the day
I could have saved the day

Now I am left with no choice
But to give it a one last try
I let go of droplets of water
Hoping against the hope
That they will make a chain
Stumble on a clear way to my disciple
And help him alleviate his pain

And then it came
The acid rain
The acid rain
The acid rain

Life With You Could Only Make Sense

Could you please tell where I went wrong...
I have been waiting for an answer for so long ...
Not that I don’t love you anymore ...
It’s just that the pain is too much to endure ...

Long in the nights I wake up in the barren grounds ...
Enough for me to realize my loneliness has no bounds ...
For when I dreamt of love, peace and happiness ...
It was you all along ...
That gentle touch, those deep blue eyes ...
It was all like a beautiful song ...

No, I was not a fool to have fallen in love with you ...
For you held me tight and let the passion grew ...
Those memories of togetherness make me believe ...
I should not have been the one to grieve ...
Deep inside, it was evident that you cared ...
Then what is it that has left you scared ...

Come back my dear, come to my heart ...
Let our souls experience the joy of a blissful start ...
Don’t leave me stranded, hoping against the hope ...
Don’t let this saga end on a queer note ...
Come to me baby, please hold my hand ...
Take me out of this lonely land ...
Where siroccos blow in the dawn ...
And the spring asks me to mourn ...
The death of a profound relationship long gone ...

I have questioned my self time and again ...
Am I not man enough to bear this pain? ...
The fear of shame has left my eyes dry ...
But deep inside, I couldn’t help but cry ...
For I dreaded the fear of separation, the pain of fear ...
And out came, from my heart, that lonely tear. ...

But throughout my misery this heart has never stopped beating for you ...
It believes that whatever it is I can still make amends ...
Because a life with you could only make sense......
A life with you could only make sense…